Vulnerability // Admitting the Problem

Self-doubt.  Insecurity.  Confusion.  Hatred.  These are all common things women feel - I am so guilty of it.  Incredibly guilty.  I am going to dig a bit deep here and be extremely vulnerable and open (I mean, I am already a super open person verbally but it's time to write it down).  It quite literally took me days, writing, deleting, and re-writing to get this post out.  It was not easy - but, is it ever easy being vulnerable?  

I have never been a strong person emotionally.  I have never really learned to cope with love, loss, deceit, or any other major change or conflict.  I do not, and I have never, been able to control my thoughts, feelings, and actions when shit hits the fan.  I have broken down and hit emotional rock bottom.  The two main root causes of this has been relationships falling apart and stress related to work or school.


As an outsider looking into my life, it would appear I have everything.  I am intelligent/book smart, have a great and steady job, I get to travel the US and world, lived in different places, have great friends, and albeit crazy - a family that loves me.  My Facebook and Instagram paints a picture of a happy 27-year old woman who has the world and totally has her shit together.  But, if you look closer and you know ME you know there is a lot of feelings, emotion, confusion, and desire for a different type of life ... and I totally do NOT have my shit together. 

                         

The last three years in particular I think I have taken huge strides backwards.  After college, the first two and a half years or so were so focused on finding myself, healing, and becoming an independent woman.  Then I made a bold move and picked up and moved to Boston - right when I was hitting my stride and totally happy in Philadelphia.  I still reflect and ask myself, "did you just think being content was not fun or dramatic enough?"  I was in the best shape I have ever been, I was being asked out on dates and met some really great guys, had a solid and wonderful group of friends in Philadelphia, and most important - I was totally okay being alone.  Alone romantically and alone just hanging out at home in my apartment.  When I moved to Boston, all of this got thrown into turmoil.  Somehow, it all got turned around and I found myself not having a huge group of friends in Boston, not loving what I was doing and how I was living, and just not being happy with my decisions.

So, here I am.  Reflecting, digging deep, thinking about what went wrong, trying to figure out how to fix it and...I'm stuck.  I am stuck in a pattern of the same bad behaviors, the fears of being alone and making the wrong choices again, and letting myself continue to be miserable at times because I am too scared to change it.

What's the point, Keri?  The point is sometimes - shit and life just sucks.  Sometimes we don't know the right answer or the best next steps.  Sometimes we are stuck in a life holding pattern.  Sometimes we make poor decisions and then make another decision based on how we feel at that point.  And sometimes there just isn't necessarily a point.  There's just venting, being, thinking, and reflecting ... and TRYING to learn.  There isn't a magic ingredient to figuring shit out.  There isn't an "ah ha" moment in life.  And there isn't that one cure all to happiness.  I guess I am just still figuring out how to find my happiness...