That being said, I started to question just how vulnerable am I. Sure, I am incredibly emotional and empathetic (shocker). But does that mean I have been vulnerable, courageous and brave in all aspects of my life? Have I felt being vulnerable is a weakness (albeit I will argue in some cases vulnerability can be mistaken for desperation or complacency)? I then reflected on past blog posts, not just this blog but others I have written over the years. So many times I have written about patience, change, focusing on my inner self and my goals and dreams.
While I have accomplished some of those, for the most part I still have so many dreams out there that I have yet to accomplish or reach for. Why? My fear of being vulnerable. I am a very strong person but my strength is for others. Being there for others at their most vulnerable moments and pushing my feelings below theirs. I realize I need to be vulnerable and start reaching for my dreams. Being vulnerable makes me feel like I am on a water slide: you cannot stop yourself in the middle of the slide, you have to finish and get to the end...no matter what is at the end of that slide. Last week in church (by the way, if you live in Pittsburgh you MUST check out Amplify Church - city campus as it has truly changed me and my relationship with God) Pastor Jason's message was about igniting our inner fire and he said if our dreams do not scare us, then they are not big enough. So, take a step back and ask yourself these questions: Are you being vulnerable in your life? Are your dreams big enough that they scare you? Do you have dreams and if you don't, why not? Do you feel there is something holding you back from these? How do you move forward? What does being vulnerability mean to you and how does it make you feel?
Look, I am not expert in life, love, or relationships - that's for damn sure. It is never going to be easy. When we are vulnerable or have dreams we pursue, we open ourselves up to hurt, embarrassment, failure, mockery and disappointment. What all of those things have in common, however, is that they are emotions - feelings - proof of being alive and living life. I truly believe we all have a purpose in this life and it isn't just to live and then die. God put us here for a reason, and if you don't believe in God then at least believe there's some reason you were born. There's a calling for all of us and some of us truly don't know what that is - some of us will never know because we don't try to find out. I am about to turn 29 and I have plenty of those negative thoughts every day. Yet, this past year, I have dug a little deeper each day and tried new things. I am trying to find my purpose and it all started with believing I have a purpose. My next step is finally being vulnerable, following my dreams that scare the hell out of me, and move forward. The worse thing that can happen is I fail. Fine, then I try again or change courses. But, I will never regret trying and following that intuition. I refuse to be limited by my fears and I am ready to jump in and see where this crazy thing called life takes me.
