Starting Over :: A Fresh Start - 2015

I find myself continually saying (only 7 days into the New Year) that 2015 is going to be "my year".  I talked to my dad about this when I was home and he said he hates the concept of New Years, that it is just the changing of the calendar, and everyone makes it this huge deal.  And, he is kind of right.  Every year I get stressed out about what to do on NYE, have a mediocre time, and quickly forget about it (if it is anything like this year - I don't even remember it to even being with!).  I make resolutions I don't keep and always say that year is going to be "my year" - and it never is.  In fact, I think the past 3 years in particular each year has been exactly not "my year" or what I set out to accomplish for myself... I have done the opposite!

Maybe this year - enough is damn enough.  Maybe this year I need to quit my whining and bitching and actually do something about it.  There are a million resolutions I want to make but the only one I am going to make is to make 2015 count.  To close out 2015 feeling accomplished, that I made change, and to be happier with my life than at the beginning of 2015.  I don't want random resolutions to define what I think I want to do the rest of the year.  I want a higher level goal, and whatever happens in between will happen, but I want that goal to be achieved.

There has been some pretty significant change in the past couple of weeks.  The ending of a few relationships, the beginning of others, and a lot of ups and downs with my family.  I have learned a lot about myself and where/who I came from.  One common theme in all of these is toxicity...yet growth.  Things, people, places, and situations are TOXIC.  The person I am and I have become is toxic - my thoughts are toxic - and the things I do are toxic.  I am not a patient person, I am not a person who gives up and I will keep trying to 'fix' anyone and anything, and I am not who I want to be the rest of my life.  I have become a toxic person - and I refuse to keep saying everything else is toxic when I have become it myself.  But, it is this toxicity that is telling me I need to grow - everything that has happened has made me realize GROWTH is what must happen.

So, what the hell do you do when you have this realization?  You change.  You grow.  You develop.  You find the right tools to not only be a better person for yourself but to be a better person for those in your life.  You get rid of the negative things and thoughts.  You make a decision and you stick to it.  You become strong and find will power.  And, most of all, you do it for YOU and no one else.  I think of this in a three step approach:

The first step is to learn to stop beating yourself up.  Karen Salmanohn said it perfectly, "View your life with kindsight.  Stop being yourself up about things from your past.  Instead of slapping your forehead and asking 'What was I thinking,' breath and ask yourself the kinder question, 'What was I learning?'  This is great advice...why continue to think that way? Everything that happens in life, every choice you make, and every situation will define you. There is a lesson to be learned even if it is not evident to you, even if you can't clearly see it, and sometimes you might never even realize it or know why.

The second step is to take action but realize you have to let go & not try to control everything.  Sonia Ricotti said, "Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be."  I am SUCH a believer in this; you really do not have control of what happened and you have to LET IT GO.  DO NOT try to control the future, have faith in it, but TAKE ACTION - don't be complacent.  Taking positive actions will have positive results; taking negative or no action will have negative or no results.

The third step is celebrate the successes, be happy for the wins, mourn and grieve the losses, and remember to overall FEEL.  Someone once said, "I owe no explanation for my flaws.  I don't have to justify my mistakes, my past or my insecurities.  I am growing and learning."  And, you do not.  Not now, not ever, and not before.  Feel those emotions and embrace them - those feelings and these experiences are what are teaching you to be you.  It is what you are throwing out there for everyone else to fall in love with.

This year, I am going to try to take my own advice.  I am going to stop beating the shit out of myself, I am going to take action, LET GO, and be less of a control freak, and I am going to celebrate and let myself FEEL.  What are you going to do this year?