Vulnerability :: Dreams :: Moving Forward

This morning I did my same exact walk to the same exact coffee shop I go to every single day I am home.  The only difference is I decided to stay and read Daring Greatly - a book I have been staring at for far too long.  The entire book is about being vulnerable, allowing it to transform your life and that being vulnerable does not equate weakness.  Vulnerability means having emotion, and that allows you to be sincere, empathetic, caring, and human.

That being said, I started to question just how vulnerable am I.  Sure, I am incredibly emotional and empathetic (shocker).  But does that mean I have been vulnerable, courageous and brave in all aspects of my life?  Have I felt being vulnerable is a weakness (albeit I will argue in some cases vulnerability can be mistaken for desperation or complacency)?  I then reflected on past blog posts, not just this blog but others I have written over the years.  So many times I have written about patience, change, focusing on my inner self and my goals and dreams.

While I have accomplished some of those, for the most part I still have so many dreams out there that I have yet to accomplish or reach for.  Why?  My fear of being vulnerable.  I am a very strong person but my strength is for others.  Being there for others at their most vulnerable moments and pushing my feelings below theirs.  I realize I need to be vulnerable and start reaching for my dreams.  Being vulnerable makes me feel like I am on a water slide: you cannot stop yourself in the middle of the slide, you have to finish and get to the end...no matter what is at the end of that slide.  Last week in church (by the way, if you live in Pittsburgh you MUST check out Amplify Church - city campus as it has truly changed me and my relationship with God) Pastor Jason's message was about igniting our inner fire and he said if our dreams do not scare us, then they are not big enough.  So, take a step back and ask yourself these questions: Are you being vulnerable in your life?  Are your dreams big enough that they scare you?  Do you have dreams and if you don't, why not?  Do you feel there is something holding you back from these?  How do you move forward?  What does being vulnerability mean to you and how does it make you feel? 

Look, I am not expert in life, love, or relationships - that's for damn sure.  It is never going to be easy.  When we are vulnerable or have dreams we pursue, we open ourselves up to hurt, embarrassment, failure, mockery and disappointment.  What all of those things have in common, however, is that they are emotions - feelings - proof of being alive and living life.  I truly believe we all have a purpose in this life and it isn't just to live and then die.  God put us here for a reason, and if you don't believe in God then at least believe there's some reason you were born.  There's a calling for all of us and some of us truly don't know what that is - some of us will never know because we don't try to find out.  I am about to turn 29 and I have plenty of those negative thoughts every day.  Yet, this past year, I have dug a little deeper each day and tried new things.  I am trying to find my purpose and it all started with believing I have a purpose.  My next step is finally being vulnerable, following my dreams that scare the hell out of me, and move forward.  The worse thing that can happen is I fail.  Fine, then I try again or change courses.  But, I will never regret trying and following that intuition.  I refuse to be limited by my fears and I am ready to jump in and see where this crazy thing called life takes me.

When life hurls lemons at you ...

During my hiatus I have thought a lot about blogging, about getting my thoughts on what has been going on in my life out there, to raise awareness, to vent.  Yet, I couldn't bring myself to do it.  Even as I sit here now, I'm thinking where do I want to take this post and what do I want to say?  The biggest lesson I have re-learned is that life will throw you some crazy stuff and incredibly change your life.  Irreversible change.  The journey I started to get my glow back has resulted in massive strides forward and some swift kicks backwards.

I can't even begin to explain what has happened in the past year to myself, my family, and so many people close to me.  Before this year, I kept telling myself after every negative event that it would eventually get better.  Now I realize that maybe my dad is right; life is just one disappointment after the next and it's how you deal with those disappointments that will define you and how you see your life.  At some point in the past year I have stopped asking "why me"?  I started trying to live life a little more, appreciate those in my life, and most importantly LAUGH about the injustices.  The funniest part about it is a year ago my main focus was an extremely toxic relationship where was treated wrong and constantly manipulated; I had lost total focus of LIFE and what was TRULY important.  It is going on a year from when I was given the greatest gift of my life ... and that was my life back.  I reflect a lot on all that happened (you know, back when I kept asking "why me") and now I understand and get that everything does happen for a reason.  I learned so much about myself and the world ... and, what I learned has helped me deal with quite literally the most difficult time of my life.  I have had plenty of tragedy in my teenage and young adult years but what makes all of this so different is for the first time I have zero control...ZERO.  I had to learn to cope, let go, let God, and just accept that every single day of my life is a blessing.  Every moment I get with my Dad, Grandparents, Sisters, Nephew, Friends ... is a blessing.

Last year I repeatedly told my best friends "I'm not strong enough" and "I can't do this".  Little did I know what life was about to pummel me with.  Today, I am a strong and independent woman.  I am handling more in a day than most people have to handle in a lifetime.  I sometimes have to wear multiple hats in a single moment and let my gut make the decisions.  I sometimes have to hold back my tears and pain to stay strong and seek to understand for everyone.  I have had to set aside my own feelings and well-being, suck it up and take control...and let go.  Throughout all of this, I have found my faith in God again; He is my biggest supporter.  These are all things if you told me a year ago I would be, I would laugh.  For the first time in my life I can sit here and look at who I have become and be proud of that.  I am not perfect; I never will be perfect.  But, I am a healthier person and, in some extremely messed up way, happier than I was a year ago ... regardless that tragedy has struck time and time again (but, seriously, I could use something GOOD for a change soon).

The bottom line of this well over-due post is I don't need to get my glow back.  I never lost it.  It just manifests itself in different ways.... and, today it shines bright and it shines STRONG.