When life hurls lemons at you ...

During my hiatus I have thought a lot about blogging, about getting my thoughts on what has been going on in my life out there, to raise awareness, to vent.  Yet, I couldn't bring myself to do it.  Even as I sit here now, I'm thinking where do I want to take this post and what do I want to say?  The biggest lesson I have re-learned is that life will throw you some crazy stuff and incredibly change your life.  Irreversible change.  The journey I started to get my glow back has resulted in massive strides forward and some swift kicks backwards.

I can't even begin to explain what has happened in the past year to myself, my family, and so many people close to me.  Before this year, I kept telling myself after every negative event that it would eventually get better.  Now I realize that maybe my dad is right; life is just one disappointment after the next and it's how you deal with those disappointments that will define you and how you see your life.  At some point in the past year I have stopped asking "why me"?  I started trying to live life a little more, appreciate those in my life, and most importantly LAUGH about the injustices.  The funniest part about it is a year ago my main focus was an extremely toxic relationship where was treated wrong and constantly manipulated; I had lost total focus of LIFE and what was TRULY important.  It is going on a year from when I was given the greatest gift of my life ... and that was my life back.  I reflect a lot on all that happened (you know, back when I kept asking "why me") and now I understand and get that everything does happen for a reason.  I learned so much about myself and the world ... and, what I learned has helped me deal with quite literally the most difficult time of my life.  I have had plenty of tragedy in my teenage and young adult years but what makes all of this so different is for the first time I have zero control...ZERO.  I had to learn to cope, let go, let God, and just accept that every single day of my life is a blessing.  Every moment I get with my Dad, Grandparents, Sisters, Nephew, Friends ... is a blessing.

Last year I repeatedly told my best friends "I'm not strong enough" and "I can't do this".  Little did I know what life was about to pummel me with.  Today, I am a strong and independent woman.  I am handling more in a day than most people have to handle in a lifetime.  I sometimes have to wear multiple hats in a single moment and let my gut make the decisions.  I sometimes have to hold back my tears and pain to stay strong and seek to understand for everyone.  I have had to set aside my own feelings and well-being, suck it up and take control...and let go.  Throughout all of this, I have found my faith in God again; He is my biggest supporter.  These are all things if you told me a year ago I would be, I would laugh.  For the first time in my life I can sit here and look at who I have become and be proud of that.  I am not perfect; I never will be perfect.  But, I am a healthier person and, in some extremely messed up way, happier than I was a year ago ... regardless that tragedy has struck time and time again (but, seriously, I could use something GOOD for a change soon).

The bottom line of this well over-due post is I don't need to get my glow back.  I never lost it.  It just manifests itself in different ways.... and, today it shines bright and it shines STRONG.