Vulnerability :: Dreams :: Moving Forward

This morning I did my same exact walk to the same exact coffee shop I go to every single day I am home.  The only difference is I decided to stay and read Daring Greatly - a book I have been staring at for far too long.  The entire book is about being vulnerable, allowing it to transform your life and that being vulnerable does not equate weakness.  Vulnerability means having emotion, and that allows you to be sincere, empathetic, caring, and human.

That being said, I started to question just how vulnerable am I.  Sure, I am incredibly emotional and empathetic (shocker).  But does that mean I have been vulnerable, courageous and brave in all aspects of my life?  Have I felt being vulnerable is a weakness (albeit I will argue in some cases vulnerability can be mistaken for desperation or complacency)?  I then reflected on past blog posts, not just this blog but others I have written over the years.  So many times I have written about patience, change, focusing on my inner self and my goals and dreams.

While I have accomplished some of those, for the most part I still have so many dreams out there that I have yet to accomplish or reach for.  Why?  My fear of being vulnerable.  I am a very strong person but my strength is for others.  Being there for others at their most vulnerable moments and pushing my feelings below theirs.  I realize I need to be vulnerable and start reaching for my dreams.  Being vulnerable makes me feel like I am on a water slide: you cannot stop yourself in the middle of the slide, you have to finish and get to the end...no matter what is at the end of that slide.  Last week in church (by the way, if you live in Pittsburgh you MUST check out Amplify Church - city campus as it has truly changed me and my relationship with God) Pastor Jason's message was about igniting our inner fire and he said if our dreams do not scare us, then they are not big enough.  So, take a step back and ask yourself these questions: Are you being vulnerable in your life?  Are your dreams big enough that they scare you?  Do you have dreams and if you don't, why not?  Do you feel there is something holding you back from these?  How do you move forward?  What does being vulnerability mean to you and how does it make you feel? 

Look, I am not expert in life, love, or relationships - that's for damn sure.  It is never going to be easy.  When we are vulnerable or have dreams we pursue, we open ourselves up to hurt, embarrassment, failure, mockery and disappointment.  What all of those things have in common, however, is that they are emotions - feelings - proof of being alive and living life.  I truly believe we all have a purpose in this life and it isn't just to live and then die.  God put us here for a reason, and if you don't believe in God then at least believe there's some reason you were born.  There's a calling for all of us and some of us truly don't know what that is - some of us will never know because we don't try to find out.  I am about to turn 29 and I have plenty of those negative thoughts every day.  Yet, this past year, I have dug a little deeper each day and tried new things.  I am trying to find my purpose and it all started with believing I have a purpose.  My next step is finally being vulnerable, following my dreams that scare the hell out of me, and move forward.  The worse thing that can happen is I fail.  Fine, then I try again or change courses.  But, I will never regret trying and following that intuition.  I refuse to be limited by my fears and I am ready to jump in and see where this crazy thing called life takes me.

When life hurls lemons at you ...

During my hiatus I have thought a lot about blogging, about getting my thoughts on what has been going on in my life out there, to raise awareness, to vent.  Yet, I couldn't bring myself to do it.  Even as I sit here now, I'm thinking where do I want to take this post and what do I want to say?  The biggest lesson I have re-learned is that life will throw you some crazy stuff and incredibly change your life.  Irreversible change.  The journey I started to get my glow back has resulted in massive strides forward and some swift kicks backwards.

I can't even begin to explain what has happened in the past year to myself, my family, and so many people close to me.  Before this year, I kept telling myself after every negative event that it would eventually get better.  Now I realize that maybe my dad is right; life is just one disappointment after the next and it's how you deal with those disappointments that will define you and how you see your life.  At some point in the past year I have stopped asking "why me"?  I started trying to live life a little more, appreciate those in my life, and most importantly LAUGH about the injustices.  The funniest part about it is a year ago my main focus was an extremely toxic relationship where was treated wrong and constantly manipulated; I had lost total focus of LIFE and what was TRULY important.  It is going on a year from when I was given the greatest gift of my life ... and that was my life back.  I reflect a lot on all that happened (you know, back when I kept asking "why me") and now I understand and get that everything does happen for a reason.  I learned so much about myself and the world ... and, what I learned has helped me deal with quite literally the most difficult time of my life.  I have had plenty of tragedy in my teenage and young adult years but what makes all of this so different is for the first time I have zero control...ZERO.  I had to learn to cope, let go, let God, and just accept that every single day of my life is a blessing.  Every moment I get with my Dad, Grandparents, Sisters, Nephew, Friends ... is a blessing.

Last year I repeatedly told my best friends "I'm not strong enough" and "I can't do this".  Little did I know what life was about to pummel me with.  Today, I am a strong and independent woman.  I am handling more in a day than most people have to handle in a lifetime.  I sometimes have to wear multiple hats in a single moment and let my gut make the decisions.  I sometimes have to hold back my tears and pain to stay strong and seek to understand for everyone.  I have had to set aside my own feelings and well-being, suck it up and take control...and let go.  Throughout all of this, I have found my faith in God again; He is my biggest supporter.  These are all things if you told me a year ago I would be, I would laugh.  For the first time in my life I can sit here and look at who I have become and be proud of that.  I am not perfect; I never will be perfect.  But, I am a healthier person and, in some extremely messed up way, happier than I was a year ago ... regardless that tragedy has struck time and time again (but, seriously, I could use something GOOD for a change soon).

The bottom line of this well over-due post is I don't need to get my glow back.  I never lost it.  It just manifests itself in different ways.... and, today it shines bright and it shines STRONG.

Confessions

Confessions are a funny thing.  I have had to make a lot of confessions the past few months to myself and to others.  But, I started thinking recently are confessions even worth it?  What value do they bring?  I have realized a pattern that when I make a confession or tell people things, it often leads me to being upset or opening an old or healing wound.  Which led me to make the revelation for myself that I do not need to make anymore confessions that make me feel uncomfortable.  Some things are okay for me, and only me, to know.  As long as I know that it is something that SHOULD be confessed, do I actually need to do the act of confession?  No.

This week was an interesting one where I toggled between making more confessions about myself and things that have happened.  I took it out on my mat and I had two big breakthroughs this week.  The first is I went an entire class (okay, until savasana) not thinking about ANY of it; this has not happened in years.  The second is I was able to get halfway into a headstand!  Any type of inversion is a fear of mine, you feel vulnerable, and exposed.  So I was excited I am starting to get out of myself and push myself. 

While I have been going back and forth internally about confessions, saying too much, saying too little, giving up too much information, etc., one thing is for sure - I am not off my new path.  I might be going through changes, but I am happier with who I am and the people in my life than I have been in a long time.  And, there are so many new relationships and experiences happening that I cannot help but feel blessed in a lot of ways. 

A Noticeable Shift

Happy National Yoga Month!  WHOOP WHOOP!  I started this September & National Yoga Month off right by getting to my mat tonight.  I have been very fortunate the past six days to have been able to practice four of them!  Twice at my new studio in Pittsburgh and twice at my new Asheville studio!  Throughout my practice in the last week, I have had some solid ups and downs.  Thursday (the first time back on the mat in probably a month) I broke down and cried.  The emotion just FELL out of me.  Monday, I was so inspired by the instructor, the beautiful atmosphere of the studio, and how HOT it was in there that I absolutely KILLED my practice.  I have had breakthroughs in the past week I haven't had before ... physically & mentally.

Sunrise on the Haleakala crater in Maui <3

Why now?  Why am I seeing this shift in my practice?  The only explanation I have is that I have finally let go and found a sense of freedom and of being content that I haven't had in a very long time.  The past 2 months or so have been exceptionally bizarre.  I began this personal development journey and I have developed my whole person at varying levels (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc).  My entire being is changing and it is all because I LET SHIT GO, I started to trust my intuition, and I have continuously self reflected.

I spent two weeks off of work in August traveling in California & Maui.  These two weeks were LIBERATING.  I went with three wonderful girls and DAMN did I sleep (a lot), hiked, swam in waterfalls, got a raindrop massage, drank some great local beers and wines (pineapple wine - YUM), and relaxed on some of the world's most beautiful beaches.  This 'noticeable shift' of mine is not only a result of the journey I have started, but also of this trip.  Naturally, I am going to overload you all now with some of my favorite pics of me and the quadz.  Thank you Krista, Lucky, & Carolina for the best trip.  I can't even start to write down the memories, laughs, and (yes) cries throughout those days.  But, I do know that trip and each one of you individually have changed me.  I love you all! (time to start planning the next trip :))

#mauiourwowie <3

Huge shoutie to Krista ... one of my very best friends the past 10 years.  #ThroughThick&Thin #farfar

Sunrise again on Haleakala

Little Beach before the Sunday sunset drum circle

Group yoga on Kaanapali Beach #namaste #nationalyogamonth

Hiking to Twin Falls on the Road to Hana

Twin Falls Waterfall!

More hiking on the Road to Hana

mulzer.com

28 on the 28th

Well, yesterday was my birthday and my "golden" birthday at that - I turned 28 on the 28th.  I am starting to feel a bit old but this year has so many good things in store!  Saturday was the perfect omen... I had one of the best days I have had in the past 3ish years.  It was anxiety free.  Stress-free.  It was wonderful.  I had a relaxing train ride, got to meet my friend Nancy's twins (who are ADORABLE), chicken piccatta & a delish bottle of vino for dinner, and finally I got to see the musical I have been dying to see ... WICKED!  Sunday, I took time to reflect on just how good the day was.  Just how good I felt.  Just how happy I was ... genuinely happy. 

No Dad ... that is NOT a map of Mordor & Wicked is not a nightclub.

Which leads to me to my 5 over-arching goals for 28!  What do I want to accomplish this year?

1) Get healthier; physically, mentally, and emotionally.  These have been goals of mine for as long as I can remember.  But, I have only ever been able to focus one at a time before.  No mas.  This time, I am going to simultaneously make it work.  I am well on my way for it currently, and I even ate VEGETABLES last night at my birthday dinner.
2) Have HEALTHY relationships with men.  This is something we all know I have not had since roughly 2009ish.  I have let the past couple of guys I have dated treat me pretty damn shitty (good work, KK). Ashley once told me once you're out of the thick of the forest, you start to see the sky more.  While I am not rushing, I am going to trust my intuition more (it's already helped me out once!) and not ignore red flags.  If they quack like a duck, they're a duck.  If they moo like a cow, they're a cow.  And, if you think they're a bad egg, they probably are and will be a rotten egg.
3) Complete my newest project. So maybe I won't complete it, but I want to get a damn good start on it!  I have mentioned this project before and I am not quite at the point of full disclosure but I am doing it.  I have no idea HOW to do it, but I am.  I have even recruited a few people to help out.  I couldn't be more excited!
4) Get rid of toxicity in my life: things, people, and places.  There are so many toxic things in my life and this year I want to focus on getting rid of them!  I have already gotten rid of a few people and places, and now I just need to continue.
5) Work on my life plan. By this, I mean actually form a life plan.  I will be done with my Master's.  I will get some more certifications, I am going to be taking classes for my new project, etc.  So, what is my next step?  Professionally and personally.  Do I want to continue to travel?  Do I want to stay in Pittsburgh?  If not, where should I move?  All things I need to figure out before 29!

As I left the Gershwin theater on Saturday night, one of the signs really resonated with me.  It said, "Reality Straight Ahead."  Naturally a great photo-op, but it was very true.  I was leaving this fantasy land where I spent over 2 hours singing, dancing, and (of course) crying.  I had to get back to reality.  But, my reality doesn't need to be the same reality it was prior to walking in that theater.  It doesn't need to be the reality I have known for so long.  I can change my reality, make it something different.  In the words of Elphaba (who is kinda my soul sister): it's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and LEAP.

Intuition // A Powerful Tool

Whew!  The past few weeks have been QUITE the whirlwind!  So much has been happening and so many plans have been made.  I have done some more planning of my big project, begun to reach out to the appropriate stakeholders, and I am well on my way to booking a trip to start the process!  And, lucky for all my readers - I got my bloggin' groove back! 

Last weekend was a blast.  It was great to be back on the beach in my old stompin' grounds!  Atlantic City lost some of its flare but hey - I am not 23 anymore :) and Avalon was just as beautiful.  This weekend is a NYC weekend - ending it with a road trip back to Pittsburgh on Sunday.  The best part?  I GET TO SEE WICKED.  I have been dying to see it (for a casual decade), and I finally found someone to see it with.  I finish grad school in 22 days; only 3 weeks of classwork left!  And, I have my big San Diego/Hawaii trip coming up! 

But, I won't let my excitement get in the way of life lessons to share.  It is so easy for people to sit around, feel pity for themselves, over-analyze every little thing (guilty!), and not look at the positive things in life.  This is something in a recent event I could have done but I chose to look at the positivity in it.  The lesson learned? LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION, BETCHES.  My relationship with my intuition the past few years has been rocky; I have ignored her when she was telling me shit wasn't right.  Well intuition... I'm sorry, I love you, and I'll never ignore you again. 

I started talking to this guy my friend met at a bachelor party and introduced me to.  He seemed GREAT.  He seemed to be aligned with me in so many ways, I would consider him one of the more attractive guys that I have been interested in, very successful, owned his own house on 80 acres of land, owned his own company, and was educated (although from PITT - ew).  As in, he could have an actual conversation with me that held my interest.  He was making me laugh.  But, something FELT OFF.  While he was very attentive, it was almost too much.  He almost seemed way too eager (to the point it was getting on my nerves) and I started to feel I was being mimicked and he wasn't genuine (sound familiar?).  Now, I am not one to just assume the worst in people (but even when I have, that apparently didn't matter) so I let it go for a bit.  Monday, I just couldn't anymore.  Something was tugging at me and while I am not planning on settling for one guy right now (how else would I get great dating stories for the blog?), I didn't want to waste my time.  I did some investigative work (Pittsburgh is quite the small town).  He said he didn't have a Facebook.  WRONG.  Turns out homeboy has a serious girlfriend - very serious.  My inner goddess did a happy dance and praised my intuition while I decided to give him a piece of my mind - and that I did.

Intuition.  It is a powerful tool for women.  It is something we need to learn to trust.  It is a gift from God that is meant to protect us and protect those around us.  Intuition - you're my #1!

Rolling with the punches...and a new project!

A recently learned lesson of mine is that the punches will keep coming in.  Even when you think they will stop... they will actually just keep coming.  My dad once told me life is one disappointment after the other and it is how you REACT and HANDLE those disappointments that will define you and who you are.  It will teach you your true character, strength, and determination.  One thing I am learning in addition to that is who I AM and MY character does not need to be defined by the actions and choices of other people.  Something I need to remind myself of daily.  Why someone is a certain way or acts a certain way in all reality has nothing to do with me.

I am going to go with some real talk right now.  I am kind of lost on my next steps in life.  I am on the horizon of my 28th birthday in a week and I totally thought I would have my shit together by now.  But, I don't.  In fact, I am officially at another point in my life where I need to redefine myself, who I am, what I want, and most importantly what I NEED.  The scariest part is I have NO IDEA.  I guess you could say I know what I need, but there's a whole lot of fluff going around in my head.  There are a lot of what the hells, are you kidding me, disappointments, unexpected shocks, expected shocks, and total mass confusion.  How and where do you begin to make sense of where you are in life and where you want to be?  How do you being to comprehend, for example, pure evil?  Do we all at some point experience pure evil and have to learn to understand it?  Do we ever actually learn to understand it?  Do we all at some point experience something life changing; something that changes you and your character and who you always were?

So while I am on this journey of re-self discovery or re-finding myself (whatever we want to call it), I am not going to just forge ahead and forget my past.  I, in fact, have something coming down the pipeline that is going to hopefully be not just therapeutic but huge for me.  While I might not change the world, I want to make my small dent.  I want to make a difference.  And, what I have planned might.  Even if it is just a few people, that is enough for me.  More details to come in the next few months as I have to keep this project under wraps as I figure out how to do it and certain legalities.  But it's something I am incredibly excited for as long as everything goes as planned!