Confessions

Confessions are a funny thing.  I have had to make a lot of confessions the past few months to myself and to others.  But, I started thinking recently are confessions even worth it?  What value do they bring?  I have realized a pattern that when I make a confession or tell people things, it often leads me to being upset or opening an old or healing wound.  Which led me to make the revelation for myself that I do not need to make anymore confessions that make me feel uncomfortable.  Some things are okay for me, and only me, to know.  As long as I know that it is something that SHOULD be confessed, do I actually need to do the act of confession?  No.

This week was an interesting one where I toggled between making more confessions about myself and things that have happened.  I took it out on my mat and I had two big breakthroughs this week.  The first is I went an entire class (okay, until savasana) not thinking about ANY of it; this has not happened in years.  The second is I was able to get halfway into a headstand!  Any type of inversion is a fear of mine, you feel vulnerable, and exposed.  So I was excited I am starting to get out of myself and push myself. 

While I have been going back and forth internally about confessions, saying too much, saying too little, giving up too much information, etc., one thing is for sure - I am not off my new path.  I might be going through changes, but I am happier with who I am and the people in my life than I have been in a long time.  And, there are so many new relationships and experiences happening that I cannot help but feel blessed in a lot of ways. 

A Noticeable Shift

Happy National Yoga Month!  WHOOP WHOOP!  I started this September & National Yoga Month off right by getting to my mat tonight.  I have been very fortunate the past six days to have been able to practice four of them!  Twice at my new studio in Pittsburgh and twice at my new Asheville studio!  Throughout my practice in the last week, I have had some solid ups and downs.  Thursday (the first time back on the mat in probably a month) I broke down and cried.  The emotion just FELL out of me.  Monday, I was so inspired by the instructor, the beautiful atmosphere of the studio, and how HOT it was in there that I absolutely KILLED my practice.  I have had breakthroughs in the past week I haven't had before ... physically & mentally.

Sunrise on the Haleakala crater in Maui <3

Why now?  Why am I seeing this shift in my practice?  The only explanation I have is that I have finally let go and found a sense of freedom and of being content that I haven't had in a very long time.  The past 2 months or so have been exceptionally bizarre.  I began this personal development journey and I have developed my whole person at varying levels (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc).  My entire being is changing and it is all because I LET SHIT GO, I started to trust my intuition, and I have continuously self reflected.

I spent two weeks off of work in August traveling in California & Maui.  These two weeks were LIBERATING.  I went with three wonderful girls and DAMN did I sleep (a lot), hiked, swam in waterfalls, got a raindrop massage, drank some great local beers and wines (pineapple wine - YUM), and relaxed on some of the world's most beautiful beaches.  This 'noticeable shift' of mine is not only a result of the journey I have started, but also of this trip.  Naturally, I am going to overload you all now with some of my favorite pics of me and the quadz.  Thank you Krista, Lucky, & Carolina for the best trip.  I can't even start to write down the memories, laughs, and (yes) cries throughout those days.  But, I do know that trip and each one of you individually have changed me.  I love you all! (time to start planning the next trip :))

#mauiourwowie <3

Huge shoutie to Krista ... one of my very best friends the past 10 years.  #ThroughThick&Thin #farfar

Sunrise again on Haleakala

Little Beach before the Sunday sunset drum circle

Group yoga on Kaanapali Beach #namaste #nationalyogamonth

Hiking to Twin Falls on the Road to Hana

Twin Falls Waterfall!

More hiking on the Road to Hana

mulzer.com

28 on the 28th

Well, yesterday was my birthday and my "golden" birthday at that - I turned 28 on the 28th.  I am starting to feel a bit old but this year has so many good things in store!  Saturday was the perfect omen... I had one of the best days I have had in the past 3ish years.  It was anxiety free.  Stress-free.  It was wonderful.  I had a relaxing train ride, got to meet my friend Nancy's twins (who are ADORABLE), chicken piccatta & a delish bottle of vino for dinner, and finally I got to see the musical I have been dying to see ... WICKED!  Sunday, I took time to reflect on just how good the day was.  Just how good I felt.  Just how happy I was ... genuinely happy. 

No Dad ... that is NOT a map of Mordor & Wicked is not a nightclub.

Which leads to me to my 5 over-arching goals for 28!  What do I want to accomplish this year?

1) Get healthier; physically, mentally, and emotionally.  These have been goals of mine for as long as I can remember.  But, I have only ever been able to focus one at a time before.  No mas.  This time, I am going to simultaneously make it work.  I am well on my way for it currently, and I even ate VEGETABLES last night at my birthday dinner.
2) Have HEALTHY relationships with men.  This is something we all know I have not had since roughly 2009ish.  I have let the past couple of guys I have dated treat me pretty damn shitty (good work, KK). Ashley once told me once you're out of the thick of the forest, you start to see the sky more.  While I am not rushing, I am going to trust my intuition more (it's already helped me out once!) and not ignore red flags.  If they quack like a duck, they're a duck.  If they moo like a cow, they're a cow.  And, if you think they're a bad egg, they probably are and will be a rotten egg.
3) Complete my newest project. So maybe I won't complete it, but I want to get a damn good start on it!  I have mentioned this project before and I am not quite at the point of full disclosure but I am doing it.  I have no idea HOW to do it, but I am.  I have even recruited a few people to help out.  I couldn't be more excited!
4) Get rid of toxicity in my life: things, people, and places.  There are so many toxic things in my life and this year I want to focus on getting rid of them!  I have already gotten rid of a few people and places, and now I just need to continue.
5) Work on my life plan. By this, I mean actually form a life plan.  I will be done with my Master's.  I will get some more certifications, I am going to be taking classes for my new project, etc.  So, what is my next step?  Professionally and personally.  Do I want to continue to travel?  Do I want to stay in Pittsburgh?  If not, where should I move?  All things I need to figure out before 29!

As I left the Gershwin theater on Saturday night, one of the signs really resonated with me.  It said, "Reality Straight Ahead."  Naturally a great photo-op, but it was very true.  I was leaving this fantasy land where I spent over 2 hours singing, dancing, and (of course) crying.  I had to get back to reality.  But, my reality doesn't need to be the same reality it was prior to walking in that theater.  It doesn't need to be the reality I have known for so long.  I can change my reality, make it something different.  In the words of Elphaba (who is kinda my soul sister): it's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and LEAP.

Intuition // A Powerful Tool

Whew!  The past few weeks have been QUITE the whirlwind!  So much has been happening and so many plans have been made.  I have done some more planning of my big project, begun to reach out to the appropriate stakeholders, and I am well on my way to booking a trip to start the process!  And, lucky for all my readers - I got my bloggin' groove back! 

Last weekend was a blast.  It was great to be back on the beach in my old stompin' grounds!  Atlantic City lost some of its flare but hey - I am not 23 anymore :) and Avalon was just as beautiful.  This weekend is a NYC weekend - ending it with a road trip back to Pittsburgh on Sunday.  The best part?  I GET TO SEE WICKED.  I have been dying to see it (for a casual decade), and I finally found someone to see it with.  I finish grad school in 22 days; only 3 weeks of classwork left!  And, I have my big San Diego/Hawaii trip coming up! 

But, I won't let my excitement get in the way of life lessons to share.  It is so easy for people to sit around, feel pity for themselves, over-analyze every little thing (guilty!), and not look at the positive things in life.  This is something in a recent event I could have done but I chose to look at the positivity in it.  The lesson learned? LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION, BETCHES.  My relationship with my intuition the past few years has been rocky; I have ignored her when she was telling me shit wasn't right.  Well intuition... I'm sorry, I love you, and I'll never ignore you again. 

I started talking to this guy my friend met at a bachelor party and introduced me to.  He seemed GREAT.  He seemed to be aligned with me in so many ways, I would consider him one of the more attractive guys that I have been interested in, very successful, owned his own house on 80 acres of land, owned his own company, and was educated (although from PITT - ew).  As in, he could have an actual conversation with me that held my interest.  He was making me laugh.  But, something FELT OFF.  While he was very attentive, it was almost too much.  He almost seemed way too eager (to the point it was getting on my nerves) and I started to feel I was being mimicked and he wasn't genuine (sound familiar?).  Now, I am not one to just assume the worst in people (but even when I have, that apparently didn't matter) so I let it go for a bit.  Monday, I just couldn't anymore.  Something was tugging at me and while I am not planning on settling for one guy right now (how else would I get great dating stories for the blog?), I didn't want to waste my time.  I did some investigative work (Pittsburgh is quite the small town).  He said he didn't have a Facebook.  WRONG.  Turns out homeboy has a serious girlfriend - very serious.  My inner goddess did a happy dance and praised my intuition while I decided to give him a piece of my mind - and that I did.

Intuition.  It is a powerful tool for women.  It is something we need to learn to trust.  It is a gift from God that is meant to protect us and protect those around us.  Intuition - you're my #1!

Rolling with the punches...and a new project!

A recently learned lesson of mine is that the punches will keep coming in.  Even when you think they will stop... they will actually just keep coming.  My dad once told me life is one disappointment after the other and it is how you REACT and HANDLE those disappointments that will define you and who you are.  It will teach you your true character, strength, and determination.  One thing I am learning in addition to that is who I AM and MY character does not need to be defined by the actions and choices of other people.  Something I need to remind myself of daily.  Why someone is a certain way or acts a certain way in all reality has nothing to do with me.

I am going to go with some real talk right now.  I am kind of lost on my next steps in life.  I am on the horizon of my 28th birthday in a week and I totally thought I would have my shit together by now.  But, I don't.  In fact, I am officially at another point in my life where I need to redefine myself, who I am, what I want, and most importantly what I NEED.  The scariest part is I have NO IDEA.  I guess you could say I know what I need, but there's a whole lot of fluff going around in my head.  There are a lot of what the hells, are you kidding me, disappointments, unexpected shocks, expected shocks, and total mass confusion.  How and where do you begin to make sense of where you are in life and where you want to be?  How do you being to comprehend, for example, pure evil?  Do we all at some point experience pure evil and have to learn to understand it?  Do we ever actually learn to understand it?  Do we all at some point experience something life changing; something that changes you and your character and who you always were?

So while I am on this journey of re-self discovery or re-finding myself (whatever we want to call it), I am not going to just forge ahead and forget my past.  I, in fact, have something coming down the pipeline that is going to hopefully be not just therapeutic but huge for me.  While I might not change the world, I want to make my small dent.  I want to make a difference.  And, what I have planned might.  Even if it is just a few people, that is enough for me.  More details to come in the next few months as I have to keep this project under wraps as I figure out how to do it and certain legalities.  But it's something I am incredibly excited for as long as everything goes as planned! 

Self-Reflection // What was the PURPOSE?

When I first started this blog over a year ago, I was going through a pretty rough patch in my life.  I felt I had lost the "glow" I spent so long working to get back after another rough patch.  The past 6 months have been a whirlwind and mix of overwhelming and debilitating anxiety, hard-core motivation, strength I never thought I would have, self-reflection, and more changes inside of me than I thought possible in such a short amount of time.

I have begun to think about where I want to take this blog.  I realize I don't practice yoga enough to just blog about that, I surely don't date enough to write a dating blog (but I do have some funny stories I will eventually write about), and I really shouldn't be giving out life advice when my life is the hot mess express train.  So, maybe I need to make it a hodge podge (is that even spelled right) type blog.  I am just going to write about whatever the hell I want and when I want.  Why should I have structured writing when my life is not so structured?  That would make me a hypocrite, no?

I have spent a ton of time really focusing and reflecting on what has happened to me and what my next steps should be in life.  A first step is to be able to finally cut the ties of the past and move forward into the future.  No more looking in the rear-view mirror and ONLY look through the windshield.  I have never been a very "churchy" person.  I grew up Catholic, went to church, and occasionally go to church now.  I have dabbled in other churches before but Ashley (my new roommate) convinced me to go to a non-denominational church last weekend.  For whatever reason, I decided to actually go with her - in fact, I felt compelled to go.  Now, it was a bit out of my comfort zone but besides that, it kind of reaffirmed my faith in the big guy.  The sermon was all about the storms of your life (referring to the book of John and the miracle of Jesus walking on water) and if you let go and let God into your life and put your faith in him, it'll all be okay.  One key takeaway I took from this sermon was that worry and stress are fruitless activities and miracles don't happen because you worry or stress enough.  Miracles happen when you make change and ask God for help and let him take control; you basically say, "okay, I can't do this or control this so I put it in your hands".  Interesting concept, right?  Even if you are not religious, at the end of the day, you CANNOT CONTROL EVERYTHING and you certainly CANNOT CONTROL OTHERS.  So, whether you let go and let God take over or you let go and just see what happens - the message is the same. 

Now, why did this reaffirm my belief in God?  Well for starters, I am not a regular church-goer.  Because I was randomly called and felt the need to go to church, then go I go to church and I hear the absolutely PERFECT message for what I needed to hear that EXACT weekend, it reminded me that God is good, that I need to LET GO, and I need to have some blind faith (if you will) that it will be okay and he will get me through it.  I also started to reflect on some of the negative things I have been thinking about God the past couple of years.  There have been so many "Why me, God" and "Why are you doing this to me, God" moments.  In retrospect, the things that were happening were not malicious on his part; he was simply trying to send me red flags.  Each time, it never failed, the "red flag" and "warnings" were worse than the previous one because I kept ignoring it, I kept ignoring my gut/intuition, and I kept ignoring what I KNEW and focused on what I thought I FELT.

This weekend, I was blessed to be able to go to the Pirates game Friday with Ashley (and be totally photobombed) and go out with my two very best friends in the world (Ash & Becca) Saturday for a wonderful dinner and then danced until the bar lights came on.  Because of that message I heard last week and this 'reminder' of what I believe in and that I need to just chill, let go, and that everything will be okay - I was able to have one of the best weekends I have had in a very, very long time.  So while I have a LONG way to go (further than I have gone in the past 6 months) ... I am well on my way and SO excited for my future.

Mid-year Checkpoint ::

Humph.  Well, it's halfway through 2015.  I haven't blogged much; I feel like I have lost touch with a lot of my inner thoughts.  Today, I was reading this article that shows anxiety portrayed through comics and it reminded me of my post on the anxiety monster - that nasty asshole who just won't go away.  This reminded me of all the major life changes that have been happening this year, the mass confusion, the self-doubts, the falling down and picking back ups, etc.

I also just moved  back to Pittsburgh.  Pretty big step.  Becca is as well; we have been talking a lot about if we are making the right choice, we aren't sure we really want to be doing this, and making a pack that we will be moving back to Florida or to California after a year if we still aren't happy.  I don't really want to stay in Pittsburgh anyways - so I am kind of down to do it anyways :)

 

So long Miami ... 

 

What about my big goals of traveling more in 2015?  Well, so far I have done a decent amount.  In addition to my early 2015 travels:

1) go back to Europe - hoping for England, Scotland, & Ireland Not planned yet
2) go somewhere in Central or South American - Cartagena, Columbia and Mendoza/Buenos Aires, Argentina are on the top of that list Still wanting to go, just need someone who is interested in going
3) another Carribean destination - hopefully an all-inclusive again with the girls I have done tons of Caribbean, it's off to Hawaii with Krista in August
4) a cruise before I move out of Miami Done!  Becca and I did a Peasant Caribbean (actually, it was RC, but it was super peasanty). 
5) at least 4-6 more weekend gurlfrand retreat weekends Working on it, we just need good city ideas! 

Okay - so still have a lot on the travel front to achieve, but at least some are checked off and others are in the works!

Now, I just need to get on the stability and consistency wagon ... 

A traveling 2015 //

It has been a wild & crazy 2015 already.  I have spent a significant portion of my time traveling, not being "home" in Miami (I truly use that word so lightly because it really isn't home whatsoever), and living out of a suitcase.  But, maybe that is what 2015 is all about.  I threw myself into a semi journey of sorts right before the new year to figure out who I am.  I have been trying (as much as I can that is) to let go of stupid shit and find the strength and courage to just do me.

So where have I been so far 2015 - what have you done for me?

January 9th Weekend - PUERTO RICO with Heather and Becca!  A last minute girlfriends retreat was so very needed.  We stayed in a beautiful suite on the beaches of San Juan, gambled, partied the night away, met some great people, and bonded.


January 22nd Weekend - Napa Valley, CA with Heather!  Wow is all I have to say.  I went to Napa a couple of years ago but due to the circumstances and timing, I was only able to really explore downtown.  This time we went all out and in 3 days hit up tons of wineries, I got to experience a wine cave, try a $3,500 bottle of wine, and meet a great couple friend of Heather's who lived in a gorgeous house in San Rafeal!
 

February 13th Weekend - MARDIS GRAS with Becca & Ashley.  Holy cow.  I got to spend the entire weekend with my two very best friends, in an amazing city that I love, and got to experience Mardis Gras.  This was hands down the best weekend of my life - and, I truly hope it has become a tradition!  I could write an entire damn blog post on just this weekend alone - but, some things us ladies will keep to ourselves :)




So what is in store next?  I got to already go on three amazing trips within the first 6ish weeks of this year.  You know, I am actually not sure.  But my wish list for this year is as follows:

1) go back to Europe - hoping for England, Scotland, & Ireland
2) go somewhere in Central or South American - Cartagena, Columbia and Mendoza/Buenos Aires, Argentina are on the top of that list
3) another Carribean destination - hopefully an all-inclusive again with the girls
4) a cruise before I move out of Miami
5) at least 4-6 more weekend gurlfrand retreat weekends

Let's see how I do :)

Starting Over :: A Fresh Start - 2015

I find myself continually saying (only 7 days into the New Year) that 2015 is going to be "my year".  I talked to my dad about this when I was home and he said he hates the concept of New Years, that it is just the changing of the calendar, and everyone makes it this huge deal.  And, he is kind of right.  Every year I get stressed out about what to do on NYE, have a mediocre time, and quickly forget about it (if it is anything like this year - I don't even remember it to even being with!).  I make resolutions I don't keep and always say that year is going to be "my year" - and it never is.  In fact, I think the past 3 years in particular each year has been exactly not "my year" or what I set out to accomplish for myself... I have done the opposite!

Maybe this year - enough is damn enough.  Maybe this year I need to quit my whining and bitching and actually do something about it.  There are a million resolutions I want to make but the only one I am going to make is to make 2015 count.  To close out 2015 feeling accomplished, that I made change, and to be happier with my life than at the beginning of 2015.  I don't want random resolutions to define what I think I want to do the rest of the year.  I want a higher level goal, and whatever happens in between will happen, but I want that goal to be achieved.

There has been some pretty significant change in the past couple of weeks.  The ending of a few relationships, the beginning of others, and a lot of ups and downs with my family.  I have learned a lot about myself and where/who I came from.  One common theme in all of these is toxicity...yet growth.  Things, people, places, and situations are TOXIC.  The person I am and I have become is toxic - my thoughts are toxic - and the things I do are toxic.  I am not a patient person, I am not a person who gives up and I will keep trying to 'fix' anyone and anything, and I am not who I want to be the rest of my life.  I have become a toxic person - and I refuse to keep saying everything else is toxic when I have become it myself.  But, it is this toxicity that is telling me I need to grow - everything that has happened has made me realize GROWTH is what must happen.

So, what the hell do you do when you have this realization?  You change.  You grow.  You develop.  You find the right tools to not only be a better person for yourself but to be a better person for those in your life.  You get rid of the negative things and thoughts.  You make a decision and you stick to it.  You become strong and find will power.  And, most of all, you do it for YOU and no one else.  I think of this in a three step approach:

The first step is to learn to stop beating yourself up.  Karen Salmanohn said it perfectly, "View your life with kindsight.  Stop being yourself up about things from your past.  Instead of slapping your forehead and asking 'What was I thinking,' breath and ask yourself the kinder question, 'What was I learning?'  This is great advice...why continue to think that way? Everything that happens in life, every choice you make, and every situation will define you. There is a lesson to be learned even if it is not evident to you, even if you can't clearly see it, and sometimes you might never even realize it or know why.

The second step is to take action but realize you have to let go & not try to control everything.  Sonia Ricotti said, "Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be."  I am SUCH a believer in this; you really do not have control of what happened and you have to LET IT GO.  DO NOT try to control the future, have faith in it, but TAKE ACTION - don't be complacent.  Taking positive actions will have positive results; taking negative or no action will have negative or no results.

The third step is celebrate the successes, be happy for the wins, mourn and grieve the losses, and remember to overall FEEL.  Someone once said, "I owe no explanation for my flaws.  I don't have to justify my mistakes, my past or my insecurities.  I am growing and learning."  And, you do not.  Not now, not ever, and not before.  Feel those emotions and embrace them - those feelings and these experiences are what are teaching you to be you.  It is what you are throwing out there for everyone else to fall in love with.

This year, I am going to try to take my own advice.  I am going to stop beating the shit out of myself, I am going to take action, LET GO, and be less of a control freak, and I am going to celebrate and let myself FEEL.  What are you going to do this year?