[[Disappointment]]

Disappointment.  That's how I felt Wednesday (and, in myself for NOT blogging in days).  I decided to go to an earlier yoga class so I could make it to dinner/drinks timely with my boss and peer who is rolling off our project.  It was labeled "hot yoga" which is what I normally go to in the later time slot at this studio and it is a great class.  I was excited, ready to let loose, and flow before shoving my face with carbs and wine. 

I knew the jive was off when I walked in and yoga mats were facing the wrong direction (there's my OCD for you).  Class started and I felt cold and tight.  Every movement was slow and nothing was truly "firing" me up.  I was confused if we walked into the wrong class; was this "restorative" yoga, certainly it wasn't hot.  But, it was. 

I was so disappointed I didn't have patience at all in the class.  I didn't want to do poses, I didn't want to stay in them; I wanted to give up and walk out of the room and go have a glass of wine.  Then, I started thinking about how strong the power of disappointment is.

My dad once told me when I was in college that life is just one disappointment after another and what matters is how you react to them.  Your entire life you dream and believe of becoming old enough to be on your own and live your fairytale life.  But really no matter how fortunate you are there will be disappointments in your life.  There are disappointments in the work place, in relationships, in friendships, in others, and in yourself. 

When disappointment hits it can come in a variety of strengths.  Sometimes it is so strong it is almost confusing - you don't even realize you are disappointed.  Sometimes you can't believe somehow wronged you - so you are disappointed in them and yourself.  Disappointment is incredibly hard to get over.  But, just like that disappointing yoga class ended - so will other disappointments.  It might take a long time and it might leave some residual effects.  These are your lessons learned.  These are the challenges you have overcome.  Disappointments are a major piece of the puzzle that makes you you.

Change ... the scary 6-letter word

Circling back to my yoga class last Thursday... I spent a majority of time that day thinking about change.  Here I was in yet another yoga studio that I have never been in, with another yoga teacher I have never learned from, and a community of students I have never practiced with.  I have been in yoga studios in so many cities and towns - and it can be challenging to adapt to that change.

The ability to handle change gracefully is a trait that I have never developed well.  It is a trait that many people never develop.  I have had conversations with friends who practice and they love the consistency of certain teachers or programs - they know the general flow of that class and even when the class is "changed up" the platform remains the same.  The community doesn't change.  Yoga is truly a community practice - it does matter where you practice.  You form a bond with that studio, that style of practice, the students, and you are able to build your confidence from there.

So, what happens when you change studios?  It can be nerve-wracking.  It can be challenging.  You can find yourself self-conscious.  You can mess up even the simplest of poses because it isn't in the same flow or order that you normally practice.  You essentially have a yogic breakdown.



But you know what else happens?  You start to pick up different variations and poses - some teachers/styles never practice some poses so you never learn them.  Try out different studios and teachers and you WILL learn more.  You also start to gain confidence in your practice - you begin to learn and feel you know what you are doing.  You start to know what are you favorite poses and what flow you like best.  Thus, you really begin to learn yourself.

This is so applicable in life.  Coming from a self-diagnosed change-phobic, it is certainly odd I live the type of lifestyle that I do.  I spend more nights away from my own bed that I do in my bed.  I live in Miami but I will go weeks at a time not being there.  I am constantly told by family and friends that I am not built for this lifestyle.  I was built for stability, consistency, and having a routine.  And, they're right.  But, I have spent the past almost 5 years of my life pushing my limits - going outside of my comfort zone - challenging myself.

I have spent a significant portion of the past 5 years hating change and accepting that I really wasn't built for it.  But what I am grateful today for is the opportunity to be able to experience so much change.  Living multiple places, working in different locations, trying new foods, experiencing new cultures, meeting new people (good and bad), falling in and out of love,  having my heart broken in different ways, making new best friends and losing old ones, expanding my family, and most of all trying to let go of the past, embracing the present, and being excited for the future.

As you change yoga studios or you're traveling - embrace that fear of change.  As you're going through rough times in life - embrace that fear of change.  I continue to be a change-phobic - this is me preaching what I struggle to follow myself.  But, the first step is to think about it, start conversations with others, and embrace your fears - on and off the mat.

When the anxiety monster strikes :: Ways to cope

Every day of my life I have bad anxiety.  I have had anxiety since I was a young kid.  I oftentimes spend a lot of my day feeling pressure in my chest, cold or shaking hands, and repeating and circling thoughts.  It has become commonplace.  The anxiety is manageable, maintainable, and rarely intrudes on my daily functioning. 

However, there are the moments when the anxiety monster strikes and when he does - it's vicious.

There are tons of blog posts and articles on what a panic attack feels like so I am not reinventing the wheel on what mine are like.  Why?  Because honestly everyone has a different way that an attack hits.  Everyone perceives it differently.

So what do you do?  Here comes the anxiety monster (and, my roommate and I had the special bond where he really likes to strike on Sunday mornings) ... and you just want it to stop.

There are a couple things I do to make it feel better.  Some are healthy, some are smart, some are stupid, and some are silly.
1) Cry - a lot.  Lay in your bed and just sob.  Get on the phone and sob.  Lay on the floor and sob.  Go to the bar and sob.  Go to yoga and sob.
2) Drink - a lot.  Get some friends, go out, and get some drinks - preferably liquor.  Or, drink alone - in this case, preferably beer (Bud Light Lime does wonders).
3) Call a friend.  There are multiple friends you can call; the ones who will give you tough love, the ones who will baby you/tell you everything will be okay, the ones who will just listen as you vent, the ones who will bitch about whoever or whatever is making you anxious, the rational ones, etc.  Pick the one who has the personality you need the most at that moment.  Or, just pick the one that is actually free/willing to pick up the phone (anxious times call for desperate measures ... just don't call an ex or try to get a hold of them ... BAD IDEA).
4) Call your family for some tough love in a way that is different from your friends. 
5) Read a book or watch tv - this one is the hardest to actually focus on but when the anxiety monster isn't being the baddest bitch it can work well
6) Pop your anxiety medicine (IF you are prescribed it - don't be one of THOSE people.  Avoid this if you can ... medicine can make you a ZOMBIE
7) Go to yoga - duh, this is a yoga blog.  This past week my anxiety was killer.  I turned to yoga and practiced 4-days straight (and, unfortunately I wasn't able to Fri & Sat and I might today with my friend Sarah in Pittsburgh).  As I've alluded to before things are often a great temporary fix but THIS coping mechanism [yoga] is the one that is most likely to have LONG-TERM effects.  Yoga will teach you to control your emotions as you control your poses.  Yoga will help you to teach and control your mind.  Yoga will bring you a sense of community.  And, if you're like me - sometimes it will even bring you to tears.  

So when that anxiety monster strikes go ahead and re-visit this blog for some helpful pointers.  They work for me (albeit not all the time).  And either way just remember: this too shall pass.  It will eventually stop.  You will eventually pull out of it NO MATTER what you keep telling yourself during the attack.... and that's coming from me and I am incredibly dramatic.

Om Shanti Om.

Why I hate crowds // Bitch it out

Wednesday I got to my Hartford studio, walked into my power yoga class, and this was my reaction:

There is NOTHING I hate more than walking into an over-full yoga class.  I went with two other co-workers and we asked if there was room for three more.  They replied yes.  They should have replied no.  There was hardly space between mats.  So, I took a spot at the front (right in front of a heater sticking out of the wall), laid on my mat, and attempted to calm my stress over the crowded room.

Class begins.  First vinyasa.  BOOM.  I hit the guy behind me with my foot.  Yes, he is in fact TALLER than his mat and would get entirely too close to me.  Great.  Looks like this won't be fun.  The rest of class I half-assed every pose because I was scared to continually hit him.  I couldn't move up because there was a wall - and the heater sticking out of the wall.  Then, I started focusing on every other person (and getting super grossed out); their sweat getting all over the place, people touching other peoples mat, and even peoples feet.  The crowd not only stressed me out but ruined my entire practice.  I was not being a yogi - I was being a judgmental bitch.

I spent a lot of time during my "practice" that day (I use the term loosely considering it was more I just moved my body around and didn't do much) thinking about how much I hate crowds.  It isn't that I hate people, I just hate a large amount of them in one spot.

For example, at work I prefer medium size projects (15-20 people is perfect) but I can't stand large projects - I will become a hermit and do NOTHING social.  Another example is this summer I went to Italy and Greece with Megan.  July in Rome was HORRIBLE.  The crowds and heat made it for one of the most miserable days of my life - making me hate Rome when in reality I just hated the crowds.  We had to wait in line every where - we couldn't even get on a tourist bus.  There was a three hour wait to get into the Colosseum so we ended up not being able to get in because of the timing. 

Unfortunately, crowds are a part of life.  You can try to avoid them but sometimes they are unavoidable.  A 6PM power yoga class is a prime time spot.  Rome in July is a prime time vacation month.  And, large clients at work will happen.  What this alludes to is practicing patience and gratitude for other things (the ability to practice, the opportunity to be in Rome, and being fortunate enough to have a job).  Patience is not my thing; I don't have a patient bone in my body.  But, it is something I plan to work on.

A blank mind & internal silence

Yesterday was just NOT my day.  It started horribly when I didn't get any sleep the previous night.  Having experienced 'sleep paralysis' for the first time, I had no desire to even attempt to sleep more than the hour I already had.  I had already woke up once thinking someone was in my room (I even went as far as to TRULY believing they had injected me with a paralytic agent and were going to murder me) and I couldn't move my body in even the slightest.  So that was fun to research yesterday - that basically my anxiety is getting worse. (Sarcasm) 

Somehow I gathered my strength albeit anxious and exhausted and went to yoga.  I try to set an intention at the beginning of class (even if not instructed it feels good to have a goal) and yesterday it was pretty simple: I didn't want an intention.  I just want SILENCE and to think about not a damn thing for the next hour and a half.  Just NOTHING.

I didn't perfect this by any means - in fact, I thought a lot yesterday about how the yoga instructor kept making us do different warrior variations and how annoyed I was that my knees are so weak.  I also thought about the girl to my right who was like super yogi and how I wanted to be able to do inversions like her.  BUT what I didn't think about was the stress of my day, the stress of life, the bad things going on, or even the good things going on.  I did take an hour and half of my day to just simply not give a shit.  I felt like I was dancing in a meadow of bubbles and flowers by the end of class.

When I tried to go to bed last night I was not able to.  My mind was racing, I was incredibly anxious - there was a lot going on.  I talked to my one best friend, Megan, on the phone late last night.  I have only known her for about 4 years or so but I can honestly say she is SO much like me and has gotten me through some very tough times in a short amount of time.  In fact, everywhere we go together people think we are twins!  She is going through her own stuff right now and even through all of that she really helped me out last night.  She is legitimately one of the strongest women I know and I am so excited to be going to Cancun with her in less than a month!  I told her I was scared to sleep and didn't know if I could.  Her recommendation was to "think about the darkness so you can think" and "think about the peacefulness of the black that you see when you close your eyes".  It was just ironic advice considering the intention I had for my practice that day. 

I guess a good rule of thumb is when you have a bad day ... you always have your best friends and the ability to blank out your mind to get you through.  And, for that - I have an unending amount of gratitude.  

When actions speak louder than words

Well I have been quite the slacker on blogging as of late.  Part of this was due to my incredibly crazy but fun weekend including the Hearts and Stars Gala benefit the Little Lighthouse Foundation.  Shout-out to my ah-mazing new Miami friends Heather & Nichole!

While I might not have been yogi'ing it up lately - I naturally still have an arsenal of thoughts I have during yoga.  One of these is being the cliche saying of "actions speak louder than words".  And they really do.  This whole concept has really resonated with me my entire life and it came up again last night while I was reading The 5 Love Languages. Words can sometimes make you feel great - momentarily.  They can make you feel at ease - momentarily.  Relationships and friendships are often times filled with a lot of conversations and promises... promises that can be broken and depending on the promises ARE broken.  I have had a few people in my life that would always say one thing but do another.  I am not sure it is because they don't want to do these things or they had bad intentions ...  it doesn't matter.  Their words mean nothing if they don't follow it up with actions.  So, as I was reading last night two things Gary Chapman wrote about that I thought "A HA!" (regardless of your love language) were as follows:

1) It isn't always WHAT you say... it is how you say it: seriously, you can say "I love you" or "Yes dear" but if you are saying it in a condescending way, not enthusiastically, and/or a not meaningful way ... it won't matter.  People can see through that and it leaves them feeling terrible and almost lied to/tricked.
2) Don't demand a person be a certain way (and, I am very guilty of doing this at times).  If you stop nagging someone to do something and they TRULY care about you - they will eventually do it.  And if they start doing it regardless of nagging it isn't because they want to - it's because they want you to shut up.

It seems like these should be "duh" comments and maybe they are.  Sometimes people just need reminded of it.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Forget mind over body ... it's body over mind!

I was pretty confident yesterday was going to be one of those "not your flow" type of days.  Surprisingly, I had a kick-ass practice shocking myself, my body, and probably everyone else in the room (okay - they don't know me AT ALL or care but I like to think I am a secret inspiration).

My full dedication, breathing, focus, and driste (aka your 'gaze point') was ALL over the place - but my body seemed to want to actually go into the poses and my chaturanga's were stronger than ever!

I actually could control myself flowing from high plank to low plank to even into upward dog before finding myself in downward dog the entire practice!   I mean, I basically wanted to high-five myself and everyone around me (but I figured that wasn't very yogi of me).  It was one of those practices where you are there physically... but mentally - not so much.  It was encouraging but discouraging for me as I want to practice both controls.  But, WHO CARES?!  It was a miracle that I was able to cut out my negative thoughts and my beliefs that I was going to just fall on my face all class again - and actually whooped some yoga ass.

You hear a lot in any type of physical activity that it is "mind over body" but sometimes can't it be "body over mind"?  There are days I have no desire or want to go to yoga or do anything physical but it is my mind that makes me. Then (on the super rare occasion) it is my body that makes it a great workout.  I'll be honest - I basically kicked some asana-ass yesterday.  It also helped that she played some music yesterday.  I'm just saying...

Flowing to music // the importance of music in life

During yoga I personally find myself having a much better practice when there is music playing.  Sure, if I know the song my breath can get off because I try to sing along.  But, overall - it works - it motivates me - it brings out the emotion.  I have had teachers play Michael Jackson and Alanis Morissette (acoustic) and the typical "yoga music".   It all works.

During points in your life - the good, the bad, the ugly, and the scary - music is the ONE thing people can turn to.  It is something everyone can relate to.  It can make you feel not alone.  Although you practice alone and yoga is not a traditional "team sport" I never feel alone on my mat.  I do feel the energy from others around me, and it motivates me to keep going.  When I listen to music and the lyrics I remember that I am not alone in my feelings.  It could be love, hate, sad, breakup, etc music but I can relate to it.

When I am head over heels in love I find myself listening to every sappy love song there is - circa 2005-2009 it was ALL I listened to.  Prior to that and during my first breakup from my first love, it was all Avril and Alanis type of music (okay, admittedly there was a bit of Sinead O'Connor  happening too).  THEN a great thing happens when you find yourself listening to rap and other non-traditional love or break-up music you think "FINALLY, I am okay and I have no relationship drama!".  Then...you start dating again - repeat cycle.  You find yourself stuck in a never-ending cycle of love/hate/love/hate that can be so exhausting.

Enter your mid-20's.  All of a sudden you don't know how to handle not only your emotions but everything going on with your friends.  I have friends who in the past couple of months have gone through horrible breakups, moved in with their boyfriends, started dating and newly falling in love, gotten engaged, getting pregnant, been cheated on, etc.  So what do I do to cope?  I get to my mat.  I space out for even that short amount of time - if I am lucky I have a breakthrough and leave class feeling like a total yogi badass.  But, you know what makes it even better - some damn music.  I don't know the philosophy on music versus no music during class - but, really - play some music.  Give me something to flow to.

When it's too early for ANYTHING ...including yoga

Friday I decided I was going to go to 630AM yoga class at my Miami studio.  I figured what the hell, I will get a workout in nice and early and not worry about going later.  BONUS was it was a one hour class (versus 75 or 90 minutes).  Wow - was I wrong.

First of all, the class ended up going well over an hour.  It was closer to a normal 75 minute class - how deceiving.  I do LOVE the teacher in this class but the entire time I kept looking at the clock.  Unfortunately (but kinda fortunately) this studio has a clock in the back.  Therefore, no matter what class I am in - I am watching the clock.  But, Friday I just couldn't stop.  It was like every minute, every painful minute.  I had no energy - I didn't want to be there - and I kept thinking about my bed and wondering why the damn clock wasn't moving faster. 

Second of all, my body didn't want to do anything.  Downward dog?  Nope - my body wanted to do lay-my-face-on-the-ground dog (note: not a real pose).  Child's pose?  Um, yes please.  Crow pose?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Finally, forearm stand.  HA - Yeah, right - I actually laughed out loud after that instruction.

When people say they are not a morning person (which, I am not - do not even try to be friendly to me until at least 10AM and 2 cups of tea/coffee) they aren't kidding.  Sure, try to do some kind of early morning exercise and see if you can transform yourself into more of a morning person.  But, for me - yoga is about unwinding and unstressing after the day.  It isn't to "prepare" for the day ahead.  I like to enjoy yoga thinking about how all the rest of my night consists of is maybe some work, dinner, a potential Bud Light Lime, and finally sleep.  I didn't enjoy my practice thinking about the fact I would leave and my work day hadn't even started yet.  My advice?  Practice based off WHY you practice, what your intention is, and the true purpose for you; try out classes are various points in the day.  For me - it's one of the last classes of the day.  Any earlier - no thanks.  I actually cannot imagine anything that sounds worse than waking up again for a class.  As I left the instructor said to me, "see, isn't it addicting to come this early?!".  I didn't have the heart to tell her that was legitimately one of the most unpleasant physical activities I had every been a part of.  Sorry I'm not sorry - this yogi has no desire to practice that early. 

Sure, I believe in #yogaeverydamnday but it really is #yogaeverydamnevening for this girl.

Definition of Love?

A couple episodes ago of How I Met Your Mother, Ted has a little breakdown about his feelings for Robin.  He said:

"Actually there is a word for that, it's love.  I'm in love with her, okay?  If you're looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, it's love.  And when you love someone you don't stop - ever.  Even when people roll their eyes or call your crazy - even then, especially then.  You don't just give up, because if I could give up, if I could just take the whole world's advice and move on and find someone else, that wouldn't be love - that would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for.  But, that's not what this is."

I didn't go to a yoga class yesterday (shameful) but I do think a lot about love during yoga.  I specifically think about it during the end of the class before and after savasana.  One major piece of yoga is learning to love yourself and others; to project love to those around you.

So what exactly is love, what does it mean, and how do you know when you love someone?  Not just in a romantic sense but also others.  Is it true that love is just a chemical reaction in the brain?  That love is just an attachment to someone or something.  Is it true that some people aren't capable of love?  What about Carrie Bradshaw and her search for "real love. ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other-love."  Or, Sarah from Rumor Has It who says "I didn't come here to tell you that I can't live without you.  I can live without you, I just don't want to?"  Aren't these two statements going against each other and what love means?

One thing I have learned during my practice has been to stop looking for love, stop trying to define or rationalize love, and not pick and choose who to love.  You can't do any of this until you love the most important person in your life - yourself.

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well that’s fabulous.” - Carrie Bradshaw

So, thanks Sex and the City and yoga.  What an awesome combo you make because you have taught me that before I can love someone else, I need to love myself.

"I have been a seeker and I still am.  But, I stopped asking the books and the stars.  I started listening to the teachings of my Soul." - Rumi

Life is inconsistent // when today is not your flow

5PM was rolling around yesterday and I was so excited that my 6PM Hot Yoga class was just around the corner.  I have FINALLY gotten back to that place where I crave yoga and I actually look forward to going, to sweating, to letting go.  I put on one of my favorite ellie.com outfits and off I went!

I hit the mat and got into my first downward dog ...it all went downhill at this moment.  I realized just how exhausted I was and my body didn't feel right.  I knew by 6:05PM this was not going to be like my last few practices - I wasn't going to be able to go hard and have "groundbreaking" moments.

A message you often hear from yoga teachers is how different your body is every day; a pose you could easily do yesterday you might not be able to do today.  In our society we expect practice will make perfect, consistency, and if we could do something one day we would be able to do it today.  We also sway towards instant gratification and not focusing on the long-term.  I don't care how much of a yogi you think you are - at least 90% of us who practice yoga do care about being able to have a pose breakthrough, that we continue to improve, and that we feel as good and solid in our practice today as we did yesterday.

During my practice yesterday I just kept beating myself up thinking "you were able to do this the past few weeks" or "holy crap why does my downward dog feel like work and not a resting pose" or "why can't you stop focusing on everyone else in the room and how they are doing today".  I was making an already terrible practice worse with my negative thoughts.  I realized my yoga practice is exactly the same as my daily life.  When you're going through a breakup, a death, or any other hard or challenging time in life some days are better than others.  I always amaze myself when I wake up how I can be okay and other days I wake up and know today is going to be a rough one.  BUT, that's life.  Life is inconsistent, it varies day by day, and you certainly don't get perfect by practicing "life".  So, why should I see my yoga practice as any different?

In my life I have a TERRIBLE habit of wanting instant gratification - never caring or thinking much about long-term.  Like many others in our society I have a YOLO attitude.  So when I am not being perfect, or able to do a certain pose, or hell even be able to get through one vinyasa without crying - I am my worst critic.  We all need to just stop doubting our strength and our abilities and realize today (and, our practice) will end and tomorrow it will start new.  Every day is a new day.  Every practice is a new practice.

Namaste.

So the journey begins...

First, let me provide a few disclaimers about myself:
1) I am not creative or a great writer
2) I am not some great yogi - in fact I am toggling between beginner and intermediate (more beginner)
3) I am a totally average girl BUT I would say a little more aggressive emotionally
4) Nothing is stable about my life, so any advice I give here I would take with a grain of salt (although, I HAVE been told I give great advice and perspective but just can't follow it myself)
5) This blog won't be consistent - there will be happy days, sad days, mad days - but, it will be exactly how every woman feels ... nothing about our feelings or life are consistent so why should this blog be?

Now that is out of the way, let me give you all a brief understanding of where this blog is coming from.  I am a huge blog reader and have always wanted to either a) be a famous blogger b) be a reality tv show star or c) have my own talk show.  None seem likely and being a famous blogger is probably the only "realistic" option.  There are so many blogs out there that are just about life, love, complaining, and really do amp you up or you can totally relate to them.  The problem I have with blogs (and I will have with my own) is the temporary high.  I walk away from reading a blog or book and I feel incredibly powerful, strong, and pumped like "yeah, I can totally do this" - for about 15 minutes.  It is the same high I get when I leave a yoga class.

During a yoga class, the teacher will tell you to set an intention, focus on your breath, and clear your mind.  That would be AWESOME if I could.  However, I do not have very much "zen" in my practice or my anxiety-induced lifestyle.  During yoga, there are plenty of moments I think how awesome it is I am not thinking about work, or my recent relationship drama, or life, or love.  But, really I am thinking about them - just thinking about how I am not thinking about them.  I have tons of moments and revelations during yoga - kind of like how people have their greatest thoughts in the shower.  This blog is going to be my inner thoughts during yoga, expending upon thoughts I have in yoga, and just overall advice or relate-able moments or issues.

The name for my blog was actually developed by someone at work who reports to me, and the concept of my blog thought up by one of my coworkers/friends.  It actually goes to show how much these people know me.  During our brainstorm session, the guy who thought up the name actually drew this out, and it's just...perfect.

 

Until next time...