A blank mind & internal silence

Yesterday was just NOT my day.  It started horribly when I didn't get any sleep the previous night.  Having experienced 'sleep paralysis' for the first time, I had no desire to even attempt to sleep more than the hour I already had.  I had already woke up once thinking someone was in my room (I even went as far as to TRULY believing they had injected me with a paralytic agent and were going to murder me) and I couldn't move my body in even the slightest.  So that was fun to research yesterday - that basically my anxiety is getting worse. (Sarcasm) 

Somehow I gathered my strength albeit anxious and exhausted and went to yoga.  I try to set an intention at the beginning of class (even if not instructed it feels good to have a goal) and yesterday it was pretty simple: I didn't want an intention.  I just want SILENCE and to think about not a damn thing for the next hour and a half.  Just NOTHING.

I didn't perfect this by any means - in fact, I thought a lot yesterday about how the yoga instructor kept making us do different warrior variations and how annoyed I was that my knees are so weak.  I also thought about the girl to my right who was like super yogi and how I wanted to be able to do inversions like her.  BUT what I didn't think about was the stress of my day, the stress of life, the bad things going on, or even the good things going on.  I did take an hour and half of my day to just simply not give a shit.  I felt like I was dancing in a meadow of bubbles and flowers by the end of class.

When I tried to go to bed last night I was not able to.  My mind was racing, I was incredibly anxious - there was a lot going on.  I talked to my one best friend, Megan, on the phone late last night.  I have only known her for about 4 years or so but I can honestly say she is SO much like me and has gotten me through some very tough times in a short amount of time.  In fact, everywhere we go together people think we are twins!  She is going through her own stuff right now and even through all of that she really helped me out last night.  She is legitimately one of the strongest women I know and I am so excited to be going to Cancun with her in less than a month!  I told her I was scared to sleep and didn't know if I could.  Her recommendation was to "think about the darkness so you can think" and "think about the peacefulness of the black that you see when you close your eyes".  It was just ironic advice considering the intention I had for my practice that day. 

I guess a good rule of thumb is when you have a bad day ... you always have your best friends and the ability to blank out your mind to get you through.  And, for that - I have an unending amount of gratitude.